Thursday, October 16, 2008

Terrance De'Shawn Davis the First

It's been a very long time since I last wrote. I guess part of me knew writing here would mean admitting that life was going on far past the death of a friend.

I dedicate this post to Terrance De'Shawn Davis the First.

I avoided the topic. Looked at some of the last pictures I posted on blog and didn't think I should write past them.

Part of me thinks I don't have the authority to write about Terrance. I wasn't his best friend. I didn't spend hours with him on the second floor. I was never in a play with him and I don't sing in REL. Maybe someone out there thinks the same thing... Maybe you're reading this and wondering if you ever really told Terrance how special he was. I asked myself that a lot.

But as the days have dragged on and the hill top has continued, I can't help but stop myself when I do things that Terrance would scoff at. I can't roll my eyes at people for being mean, I can't hold on to grudges the way I want to, and I can't dwell on things I can't change. I stop myself when I start to get caught up in the small stresses that Georgetown can easily foster because I realize I got to say good bye to an angel last month. And then I love Terrance in the type of way you can only love someone when they're not around...

I don't have an essay to write. I can't. I can just say that I'm seeking to be better and striving to get past the small things. I realized I love Georgetown for giving me the angels to call friends.

And even more, I love God for placing me His will.

I doubt myself. There you know my secret. But beyond doubting myself, I remind myself that I have been so blessed. Blessed in life, in family, in love, and the list goes on....

I guess this sounds like a ramble but I'm happy and I can't place the joy. It's not a superficial smile or "I'm fine" when you know you're not, it's an unspoken peace that everything will happen in its own time.

I find myself trying to remind myself of this happiness by going to Terrance's facebook page. I try not to be sad when I look at him and all the others who still write on his wall but I miss him. But then I know I'm being selfish . . .

I miss you too Terrance.