Today in church when they asked people to stand if they were weary and believed they were far from God, I should have stood. I went to church this morning at 8 a.m. with a friend, Eddy Mihigo.
I am scared I don’t know what I am supposed to get from Botswana. I can’t place the emptiness I feel. I can’t quite describe an absence of caring. It’s as if I am forcing myself to live. It’s a funny feeling to want to want to live. Today, in church, I knew the words were for me. I knew the timing was because I had to hear that sermon but it felt like it was falling on ears that have become numb. A deafening sadness has come upon me and I think it has come with the realization that I can’t rely on anyone but God but how can I? How can I place my strength in someone I have never met? Someone I hope is listening and someone who I hope knows what’s going on? How can rely on someone who loves everyone and who doesn’t punish the people I want Him to when I want Him to? How do I come to terms with a God that would hurt me?
The passage today was Isaiah 40:27-30. "Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel , 'My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God'? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will talk and not be faint."
How could someone read this passage and not cry? How could someone asking God the same question and sharing the same feelings as the people quoted not cry and ask for forgiveness? I can’t understand what’s happening but I can say that God is in the midst of my life.